To Be Or Not To Be? That Is The Question~

The Evita auditions are in 4 days. 




Just soaking that in a bit here...


I have taken dance classes.  I've met with a voice teacher/accompanist.  I'm rehearsing every day and memorizing my monologue.  I'm living in it as much as life with two kids and a husband will allow and as much as my health will allow.

I felt like yesterday was a wasted day because I was at doctors offices all day.  The Hypoglycemia does not seem to be improving with diet so I may need to see an endocrinologist.  On top of it I had optical migraines and vertigo.  This scared the doctor a bit (and me) because combined with the hypoglycemia symptoms it seemed something neurological could be going on.  So he sent me in for an MRI with contrast.  i.e. dye through an IV. 

While I laid there in the MRI...machine...I rehearsed my monologue in my head over and over and prayed that what ever was wrong was not going to interfere with my audition Saturday.  Turned out to be a sinus infection.  Whew!  Glad to have the peace of mind and the antibiotics but how I would love to get those hours back!

So last night I powered through my sinus headache and nausea and sang, sang, sang.  Then rehearsed the monologue out loud over and over and over.  I rehearsed in the shower, in the kitchen and in my room.  I can tell Aaron is annoyed.  I reminded him that if I get the part it will only get worse.  He said he knows but...I wonder if he REALLY knows. 

My sons are so supportive!  They were playing in their bedroom while I rehearsed.  At one point Drew came into the room and sat in front of my mirror with me while I sang.  The sweet look on his face!  I thought I would burst into to tears at the sight of the pride there.

"Mom you are such a beautiful singer," he sighed.

"Thank you love."

"Will you sing me Rainbow High?"

How could I refuse?  While singing Gabriel came in and sat with us.  They had their heads on my shoulders with such proud and pleased expressions.  It was so sweet!  Aaron peeked in at the middle of the song and told them it was bed time.

"Can I finish this song with the boys first?"

"Oh.  Yeah.  Sure."

When tucking them into bed Drew told me he hoped I would be Evita.  Gabriel vowed to take up his sword and avenge me if I was not.  I'll have to dampen that idea since the director of the show is his schools music teacher.

Though I really want to do this show I am also wrestling with all that I will have to give up to do it.  No Warrior Dash.  No trip to Atlanta with my beautiful Lauren.  No Hot Air Balloon Fiesta.  The time with my friends and family.  Funny how I just want a break from my job as a mom but now that I may get it (sort of) I'm feeling conflicted about it.  The application for auditions also asks if you would be willing to cut your hair for the role.  Meep.

Then Aaron tells me last night that he has been hoping to take me on a trip to NY this summer.  Just the two of us.  Really?  We have not gone on a trip alone in about 6 years and that was to a B&B 30 minutes from the house.  The last big trip we took together was our honeymoon nearly 13 years ago.  Now he wants to whisk me away?  NOW when there will be little to no time in my schedule?!

All of this was going through my head while I laid in bed last night.  I spooned Aaron.

"How do you feel about me doing this show?  Are you sure you are OK with it?"

"Yeah.  I want you to go for it if it's what you want."
"But you know how much of my time this will require of me?"

"Yeah."

He tells me I'm Eva.  He believes I can do it, I just think he wishes I wouldn't.  So I don't know what to hope for!  I prayed. 

God, I don't know what would be best.  I have been working so hard.  It would be an amazing role/show to do.  I hate that it means less time with my friends and family.  I miss Lauren!!  A trip alone with my husband......in New York...So I have to leave it all in Your hands Father.  Make the decision for me.  But oh how I want it!!!

I received another encouraging e-mail from Christina.  Such big things happening for her!  It's so awesome and I'm so proud to know her and to have her help.  She reminded me that so much of this is out of my control. 

"All you can control is what you do when you go in that room. Work it!"

She is so right.  It's in the hands of the directors and of God's.  Que sera sera!