Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Velvet Dreams

The gown was plumb colored, tea length, boat neck with cap sleeves. The neckline scooped lower then a regular boatneck but there was plumb colored lace that brought it up to just under the clavicle. 

It was night and I stood barefoot at the edge of a swimming pool.  I remember looking down into the water and seeing my toes curled over the edge of the pool. 

I guess I jumped in.  I don't remember that part.  Now I am "out of my body" watching myself, submerged and swirling my limbs around.  The skirt of the dress swirled about me.  My hair was loose and moving about as if of it's own accord.

The style of the dress changed...I remember that it did but I can't remember the details of the other.  I know it stayed purple. 

I woke up with a soft feeling.  The dream was so soothing and kind of beautiful.  It was a velvety dream.

The morning was not so smooth.  It was cold and rainy.  Perfect fall weather, really.  I got the boys off to school with out a hitch and then went to buy groceries before heading out to Baking Day at my friend Caren's.  As I headed up our hill to the highway, I noticed that  the rain drops were splatting the window and looking grainy.  Ice.  I was both excited and nervous about it.  I have driven in snow before but not on a mountain.  The grocery store is about 10 min. away which takes you about 1000 ft. higher then our home.  (Aaron says 1000 but I think one of my friends said 300...who knows.)

As I headed up the road I was seeing a few cars go by that had several inches of snow accumulated on them.  I guessed they came from waaaay up there.  Then the slushy raindrops turned into bonafied snow!  Lot's of it!  It was so beautiful! 

And scary.

I was not going to let it keep me from the store.  I made it safely and I even drove the speed limit. 

I had a long list this week because we are having a housewarming party this weekend.  I wanted to try to get everything now so we are not making a bunch of trips back and forth.  The snowfall spurred me on.  If it snows this weekend, I really  won't want to be shuttling back and forth.  I really wanted to get done in a timely fashion so as to have plenty of time to spend with the girls that I bake with but I still do not "know" the layout of the store very well and it made for slow shopping.

At the pharmacy I noticed that they were providing flu shots.  I dont' know why I thought this was the time to do it but I did.  So I signed up.  They said when I finished shopping to come back and they would be ready for me.

As I shopped I kept feeling anxiety mounting in my chest.  I hated feeling "lost" in a grocery store.  The anxiety peaked as I was trying to pick out cheese from the deli.  I had hoped I could come in and pick up a cheese tray for the party but there were none.  So I looked at all the many variety's of cheese.  Should I get a brie? A...what is that?  I don't know....something in a wheel.  Mozzarella for sure...  For whatever reason choosing the cheese became very important and choosing the wrong cheese would be a disaster.  I knew this was nuts.  It was more of the Crazy Head crap that I have been experiencing as of late. (See blog where I cry over #2 pencils.) 

"Forget it.  I'm not buying cheese.  Not today when I have Crazy Head."

I left the deli and finished my shopping. After I finished I headed over to the pharmacy.  I hate needles.  I'm sure it played a part with my Crazy Head episode. 

"Are you ready?" asked the pharmacist.

No, I thought.  I am about to cry because I have to drive down a mountain in the snow, I can't find anything in this store, and I can't make up my mind about CHEESE!

"Ready." I said.

Stick.  Tears.

"I'm so sorry!"

"It's OK.  I'm homesick."  I choked out.

"What?  You're sick?  Ma'am you should not have this shot when you are sick!"

"No, I'm homesick."

"Aw...I'm sorry.  I  moved here 10 years ago and it was so hard.  It's very different here.  Different people.  But we fell in love with it and have not gone back."

They were kind words.  She gave me a tissue, a Hershey Kiss and I headed to the register to check out.

The drive home was no big deal.  The ground is too warm for any ice to form.  I prayed. 

"Lord, what the hell?  Could You just calm my spirit?  Let me feel secure?  I don't like having anxiety attacks over silly things.  You do not give us a spirit of fear but of power and might and of SOUND mind.  I know this and You know this and I have been asking for this for a couple of weeks now so....show up.  K?"

I felt angry on top of the anxiety and I was an hour later then I wanted to be to Baking Day.  My car was groaning up the gravel road to the house so I floored it.  I tore into our driveway.  The gravel grinding under my tires felt good.  I put away the cold groceries and packed a bag of the things I would need for baking.  On the way out I grabbed a Shiner.  It was only 11:30 but I figured it was 12:30 in Texas so it would be OK.  I just wanted a taste of home!

My friends at Baking Day are super!  I fell in the door with my bag of things and my emotions written all over my face.  No one is alarmed as I pop the cap off my bottle of Texas brew.  They let me replay my shopping experience and cry a little more.  They offer comfort and encouragement and hot off the stove donuts. 

"I promise I won't always be like this," I told them.  "I usually have it more together."

They don't seem to care either way.  We baked and we ate and we fellowshipped.  For about 4 hours I felt normal again.  I followed a recipe and there were no surprises.  It was warm and soft again like my velvety dream.  There was peace.

I feel like some things we just have to go through.  Somethings have to run their course.  The process can't be stopped but there can be moments of peace and rest. 

Thank You Father.  You did not have to show up.  You were there.  From the very beginning You directed our steps to the door of the house down a dirt road and across the hill from a fabulous woman named Caren.  She and her family and friends have been your vessel of peace, encouragement, and warmth.

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