What I'm Loving Wednesday #2



Olivia and I in 2009

Olivia today!!!



O and Hannah





Doi-oi-oi-oing!







Ben with Lesley and I on the Brooklyn Bridge 2009



Olivia with Ben at the make-over show!





And that's all I have to say about that.



"So why oh why oh why the hell can't I?"

The Evita auditions were finally officially posted.  The dates for rehearsals will interfere with our summer visit to Texas, cutting it short about a week.  I think I'm OK with that.  The kids won't be but...  Also means no Warrior Dash.  (Can't remember if I shared about that yet.  It's an amazing 7k obstacle course through mud and fire, I kid you not.  My team was going to be dressed like Wonder Woman!)  Even more devastating than that is that there will be a dance audition for the lead.  WHY GOD?!  WHY?!!!  WAAAAAGH!  *sniff*  It's OK.  I'm good. 

Last night I was out with all of my Mountain Women and they were all so confident that I would soon be Eva Peron.  I left feeling high from their encouragement and faith in me!  I felt like I was going to be able to really do it.  Amazing how quickly that balloon deflates when an obstacle is set in your way.  You know....like feet.

I read the audition post this morning while getting the kids ready for school.  I was completely flipped.  I planned to drive the boys to the bus stop this so that I would go straight to the gym to train for the Warrior Dash.  Since I had only a chance to quickly read over the rehearsal dates I was not completely sure if the Dash was out or not.  I tossed the boys in the car and began to back out my driveway. 

My house is on a hill.  A huge mountain type hill.  There is a big dip on the drivers side of the driveway.  If one goes off the road they could roll down a pretty steep hill side into trees.  I normally have no problem backing down but, like I said, I was flipped.  So I back out and felt my back driver side tire go off the edge.  I turned my wheel all the way right and tried to move forward up out off of the ledge.  Nothing.  Darn this car!  Where is my four wheel drive?!!!  I ordered the kids out of the car and told them to start to walk to the bus stop.

"Why?"

"Because Mommy's car is hanging off of a cliff."

So...a small exaggeration but I wanted them to move it!  After they were out I said a quick prayer, turned the wheel all the way to the left and went in reverse.  Nothing. 

Again.

Nothing.

"PLEASE!!!"  I shouted to the Heavens.  I tried again, flooring the pedal and my will.  Finally, she gave it her all and popped up back onto the road again. 

I went on to the bus stop to bid my adieus.  Caren was there and I told her about the dance audition.

"And...I don't think I will get to do Warrior Dash."

"Well, you should still train like you are," Caren said.

Mean. 

But she's right.  I have been so excited to see my performance improve.  I've never ran a day in my life and in 4 runs I've shaved 4 min. off of my time.  A time that was really good to begin with!

I turned my car up the hill and headed to the gym.  The whole time I was arguing with myself as to why I was going to even run today.  I have a hard time running when I'm preoccupied.  My mind was racing. 

What were those dates again?  Will the boys understand cutting our trip short?  Will our friends?  If it comes down to Evita or the Warrior Dash I'm totally doing Evita.  *sigh* That means I don't get to wear my Wonder Woman costume...

I thought of turning the car around to go home and re-read the post again but then I realized I was already at the gym.  Reluctantly, I got out of my car and headed in.  With the Evita soundtrack blaring on my iPod, I ran.  I would love to tell you that I shaved another 2 minutes off of my time but the truth is I quit after 22 min. (1.7 miles). 

Once home I re-read the audition.  Yes, my trip will have to be cut short but even at that I will miss the first two rehearsals.  A trip planned in September will also have to go by the way-side.  Goodbye Warrior Dash/Wonder Woman costume.  And that "dance audition for leads" was still on there.  CURSES!

I went downstairs to catch up on Dancing with the Stars.  I boo-hooed during my favorite dances.  Oh and P.S.  Did ya'll see the Dove Challenge Dance?  It was during an extended commercial so you might have FF right through it.  It was so lame!  It didn't even look like they showed her whole dance!  I was so disappointed for her.  I would've been upset if I worked hard for a whole week and then a blip of what I did was shown.

When it was all over I sat on the couch a bit thinking....If for some hand-of-God-reason I get the part it would be like an accumulated event of all my dreams.  Sing, act AND dance!  Tonight, Olivia and Hannah...one of them is going to win the Biggest Loser.  Drake can walk at a heel.  Mom has lost nearly 30 lbs.  People are overcoming all around me.  I'm in total terror.  You know what that means....

"Finally, she gave it her all and popped up back onto the road again."

Begin video at 2:55...

What I'm Loving Wednesday

What I'm Loving Wednesday is a fun idea I've seen on a couple of other blogs.  I don't think I will be doing it every week but I thought I'd do one today.  So here we go!

When Aaron and I first got married he told me that he did not want to feel like he was living in a woman's home.  No floral prints on the furniture, draperies or dishes.  So I've always kept that in mind while making our house a home.  I think the result is eclectic and warm.  But one of my favorite things is this little touch of femininity in the corner of the bathroom vanity:

And this one on my dresser:

I'm also loving Airborne Toxic Event.  Well...there is a lot of music I'm loving right now but let's just highlight this band today:

Also check out their song, "Does This Mean You're Moving On."

Drew is my carbon copy, personality wise.  One thing he and I both struggle with is holding our tongue.  Drew has developed a method that works well for him.  When he wants to tell mom and dad off (or anyone else for that matter) he does this:

Looks funny but really this is very wise of him and I'm trying to adopt it as well.  I don't know if I should laugh or fume when I see him do this to me because I know he is thinking all kinds of nasty things in his head about me but I have to applaud the self-control.  This is a friendly version of the look he gives.  Lower those eyebrows into a scowl and you'll have a better idea of The Look.

One of my favorite things to do is to browse through the amazing photography of my friend April.  I shared a link to her page in my Spring Cleaning blog but I'm linking you to her blog again because her pics are AMAZING!!  If you are lucky enough to live in the Houston area call her and get your family pics done!  Weddings, family photos, baby's first pics,Senior portraits, etc. Run don't walk HERE!!

And the thing that really has me pumped this Wednesday is that my two childhood friends, Olivia Ward and Hannah Curlee have made it to the FINALS of this season's Biggest Loser!!!!!

They have always been beautiful and now they are GORGEOUS!  Even better than how they have toned and shaped their bodies is the way their already powerful inner strength has been chiseled and polished into something mighty, mighty!!!  Love you girls.  Miss you O!  Hopefully I can get back to NY again sometime soon...

The Couch Potato Work Out

After watching my girls, Olivia and Hannah, kick butt on Biggest Loser last night (and after seeing my scale creep up to the No-No Number) I decided that I would be hitting the gym first thing in the morning.

I woke up and suited up in my work out clothes.  Hello Yoga pants.  Haven't seen you in awhile.  I thought that I would drive the kids down to the bus stop and leave straight from there that way I would not come home and dream up some excuse not to go.

Spring time snow is different then winter snow.  Winter snow is dry, light and packs on the road.  Spring snow is wet, heavy and melts on the ground as soon as it hits.  Sometimes it completely melts away but other times you are left with slush.  On dirt roads it's a muddy slush! 

Despite this, I drove fearlessly down to the bus stop.  I saw my neighbor Kevin's car at the stop as well.  I put the car in neutral and gave a slow break.  I began to slide. Oh.  Remember what to do...Don't panic.  Another slow break.  I did.  I gave it another slow break and the car obeyed and stopped with still another cars width of room between Kevin and I.  The bus pulled up and I got the kids out for hugs and kisses.

"I almost hit you Kevin!"  I called out to him.

"I know.  I was getting ready to pull forward a bit."

"Nah.  Your wife taught me well."

"Where is your coat crazy woman?"

"In the house.  I'm just running down to the gym and the grocery store."

"No you're not.  Not on these roads.  They're too slushy.  Follow me home."

"But not too closely!"  Caren called out from the car.

If the Mountain People tell you not to drive then you don't.  I obediently followed them home with no incident.  Kevin parked down in front of his house.  I pulled up next to him and rolled down my window.

"I did it!"

"Yeah you did!  You did great!"

"Thanks.  Now we'll see if I can get up my drive way."

"I'm not even gonna try."

Hm...if Kevin doesn't think his car can get up the drive I probably shouldn't try either.

I tried anyway.  She only made it about 1/3 of the way up so I slipped and slided her into a parking spot down by the wood pile.  Boo.  I was just thinking yesterday how it's been a long time since I've heard anyone tease me about being One Step Closer to being a Mountain Woman.  I thought maybe I had graduated to that.  Not quite.  When I have a 4X4 then I'll be a Mountain Woman.

If I've learned anything from the Biggest Loser this season it's that there can be no excuses.  If you have an excuse you have to counter it with a solution.  Since I watched the BL last night I did not get to watch the result show for Dancing with the Stars.  I let Drake in and watched the result show I had DVR'd, running up and down my stairs during the commercial breaks.  This was a great work out and it's my understanding that stopping and going like that is great for burning calories.  It was also a nice little work out for Drake.

At first he kept trying to do the stairs with me but this was scaring me because he's such a Hulk and he could accidentally knock me down the stairs.  I put him in a sit-stay at the bottom of the stairs and kept going.  Up, down, up, down, up, down.  I think I counted going up and down about 12 times until the commercial break ended.  I didn't keep count well though because my mind was wandering.  Can never turn this brain off.

"All done," I said to Drake, his cue to break from his sit-stay.  I rewarded him with a bit of hot dog and cheese.  (Can you believe his progress with just one meet up with a trainer?  He's amazing!)  We did this during every break and I think there were 6 of them.  I lost count.  I worked up a sweat and everything.  I'm going to start a new program: The Couch Potato Work Out.  You can still sit and enjoy your shows but you have to do some sort of work out during all of the commercials. 

I did a little of this during Biggest Loser.  I did it more like a drinking game though.  Every time they showed Olivia and Hannah in a "confessional" type interview then I would have to do 25 push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks or the like.  Those two talk so much though that I was only able to do it for the first hour of the show.  Then I gave up.  I know...not very Biggest Loser of me. 

For Grey's Anatomy one could do a work out every time one of them says "Seriously."  Ha!  Or every time there is a trauma or something.  Probably the most consistent thing though would be to work out during the commercials.  I think this could catch on.  You still get to curl up on the couch and watch your shows but you sneak in a little extra for your body at the same time.  I think this is genius!  Seriously. 

Drop and give me 25.

I Am Going To Be On Dancing With The Stars!!!

I love Dancing with the Stars.  Fanatical.  Crazy for it!  I watch every episode and cry nearly every time.  It took me awhile to figure out why I cried every time.  Then I realized it's because I want to dance!

I am a terrible dancer.  I was in Color Guard in high school which requires a touch of dance skill.  My mom and Aaron would sit in the stadium and laugh at me.  I was that bad. 

When I tried out for a production of White Christmas, they were starting with dance auditions.  I was so bummed.  I thought if they heard me sing first then maybe I would have a chance to read.  The audition was tragic.  Everyone else had experience and so they would say something like,

"OK, we will do a pas de barre, fan kick, body roll, box step and pose.  And 5,6,7,8!" 

And then people did it!  I did not want to just stand there and so I tried to do what the people in front of me did.  It was SOOO bad!  Strangely, I was not scared or embarrassed.  I just thought it was hilarious.  What was I thinking?

They called us up 3 at a time to show our stuff.  The judges did not even look at me.  They did at first, but then they quickly realized I was a disaster and kept their eyes on the other two dancers.  They couldn't look at me again or they might laugh.  I am not making that up.  I later talked to one of the directors who judged the audition and she confirmed that that is indeed how it went.  I guess they were baffled as to what in the world I was doing there because they did not ask me to leave and I got to do a singing audition and later a reading.  I scored a small non-dancing part.  In the final chorus the whole cast dances together.  Simple stuff...box steps and such.  Regardless, the director was sure to post the two tallest performers in the cast directly in front of me.  I'm certain this was strategic.  I'm not complaining.  I was grateful for it!

Still...I would like to dance.  It terrifies me though.  I did take Belly Dancing for about a year.  It was a great fitness regime.  No skill was ever obtained though.  Boo.  My belly dancing instructor also taught a Zumba class that has various Latin dances combined to provide a great cardio work out.  She encouraged me to come to a class. 

"You know they are not inviting you to a salsa cook off right?" my sister asked.

"So don't bring chips?"

She was right.  There were no chips and dip.  I went to classes for about a month and then decided to quit since I was on the verge of tears through every class.  Can't even do the dance of my peoples.  Ug.

It was either this past summer or fall, after bawling through another season of Dancing with the Stars, that I decided to write the show.  It would take hard core professional help to get me to dance.  It seemed unlikely they would go for my idea but...if you never ask you'll never get anything.  I suggested that they try a season with Every Day Stars such as firefighters, police men, teachers, nurses, EMTs, military personnel and...moms.  I never heard back.

A few months ago, during the Academy Awards, there was a commercial for Dove.  They would be partnering with Dancing with the Stars in a contest called the Dove Challenge.  The winner would be flown to CA for a week to be taught a dance by one of the Dancing with the Stars dancers and would perform the dance in the finale.  All you had to do was send in a 60 sec. video saying why you like Dove and why you want to be on Dancing with the Stars.  I was immediately gripped with fear and cried.  (Can  you believe?  I am such a dork!)  When ever I feel that sort of reaction it is the signal to me that I have to do it.  I don't want anyone to tell me that I can't, including myself. 

I dragged my feet on making the video.  I pushed it back everyday until it was the day before the deadline.  I recorded a "bit" with my camera set up in my living room.  I didn't tell anyone.  After I got the piece sent out; I went over to Caren's.

"What's the matter with you?  You're not being yourself,"  she said.

"I'm not?"

"No."

"Hm."  I couldn't tell her.  I was too embarrassed and too nervous.  A few weeks later I finally confessed.

"I KNEW there was something off about you that day!"

I feel quite certain they are going to call me.  I know it is silly but I really do!  One day I was doing laundry and I thought, this is how it will happen.  I will be doing laundry and my phone will ring and it will be Dancing with the Stars.  And then...my phone rang.

Oh my gosh!  It's happening!

I looked at my phone's caller ID.  The number was Unavailable.

Holy smokes!  It's them!

"Hello?"

"Is Tia there?"

"Sorry.  Wrong number." (P.S.  Why do we apologize to people who have the wrong number?  And to Tia: stop giving my number out.  Grow a pair and just turn these guys down with some grace instead of lying to them.  You have been rerouting guys to my number for 9 years now!)

Little by little I revealed my secret to various people.  My mother, sister, friends, grandma...

"Oh!  You just have to tell me if they call you," my Grandma said.  "I will need to tell all of my friends to watch!"  I love her faith.

On our Spring Break road trip, I told Aaron.  He did not say much.  I think he said that it was "nice."

One Monday night I was making dinner and getting excited about watching DWTS.  Aaron was in the kitchen helping me get things ready.  I threw my leg up on the counter and started stretching.

"What are you doing?"  he asked.

"I'm stretching.  I've been thinking I should be getting my body ready.  Get more limber for the show."

"You are a dork."

"But when they call me I have to be ready!"

"Call you?  What?"  I reminded him about the contest.  It was like I was telling him for the first time.

"You can't leave for a week," he said.

"You do!"

"But I go to make money.  Are they going to pay you?"

"They will pay for the trip!"

"What about the kids?  I can't take a week off from work to take care of them."

"My friends would all do anything to make sure I am on the show.  They will help with the kids.  Get out of my way.  I'm stretching here."

The next week Aaron came home from work.  I had been praying and daydreaming every day since sending the video in that I would be on the show.  I was feeling good about my chances that day and I greeted Aaron with a hug and kiss and said, "I'm going to be on Dancing with the Stars."

"So they called," he said.  He was very unsurprised.  It wasn't "Did they call?"  Or "So they called?"  It was a matter-of-fact statement.  "So they called."

"No.  I'm just saying.  You know...heads up.  They are going to call."  He hugged me and pet my hair like I was a special case.

"I love you.  You are a weirdo but I really, really love you."  I think he knows I'm going to get the call.  He really thought they had called.

On another day I was out and about town and I saw a store for dance wear.  I text Shalah.

Me: I found a store that sells dance clothes.  I am trying not to go in and buy stuff.  I'll need like a weeks worth of dance clothes for the practices.

Shalah: No ma'am.  Why don't you buy a pair of high heels instead?

Me:  Not a bad idea.  I need to break my feet in.  I love to wear heels but I don't know if my feet can handle 7 days a week dancing in heels. 

Shalah:  You'll fit right in with the Mountain People in your heels.

Me:  Right.  *sigh* I have to get on this show. 

 I'm such a 12 year old.

Shalah:  You really are.

I know it seems far fetched to think that I'll get on the show but I have 4 friends who have been on various reality TV programs.  One was a bachelorette on Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire, another was on a HGTV bathroom make over show and then of course there are my friends, Olivia and Hannah, on this seasons Biggest Loser.  It really could happen people.

Monday night's show was an hour and half long.  When I found that out I nearly peed my pants!  It was awesome!  They said repeatedly in the show that they were half way through the season.  I checked my calendar.  If my calculations are correct I should be hearing from them in about 3 weeks.  That should give me time to buy my dance clothes and make arrangements for the family.  If not...well, they will.  They have to call.

Note: After writing this blog I decided to do some research to see when the winner would be notified.  The suspense was just killing me!  Found out she was notified back in April and has been working on her dance with Damian Whitewood of DWTS and filming commercials for Dove.  I had a good cry and Aaron had a good laugh.  (Not because I didn't get it but because I really thought that I would.)  I am a million shades of ridiculous.

Red Faced

All week I have kept to my diet.  I fought the urge to weigh myself and I exercised daily.  I also prepared for a visit from dear friends of ours from our neighborhood in Texas.  They were to arrive on Saturday. 

Our friends have two boys who were buddies with mine and so we were all really excited.  There would be someone for everyone!  The youngest announced to his class that he was going to see real snow for the first time in his life.  We still had some snow on the ground but it was quickly melting with the unusually warm weather we were experiencing.  Drew and I prayed for snow.  Drew specifically prayed that the snow would melt so that our friends flight would not be delayed and that the next day it would snow up to our thighs so our friends could see snow fall.  Ha!

Saturday morning I got busy.  I needed to clean the house, start a stew in the crock pot and take Gabriel to a birthday party.  Aaron wanted to take the boys out to shop for supplies for their Pinewood Derby cars as the Cub Scouts were having a race in a week.  I thought this was a great idea!  It would allow me to clean undisturbed. 

"I think I'm going to buy them some paint," Aaron told me.

"Um...really?  Paint?  You know I have tons and tons of acrylic paints, right?"

He and the boys went to the hardware store and returned with 6 cans of spray paint.  OK... 

By now I have the upstairs clean and looking lovely.  I still needed to start the stew, clean the basement bathroom, make the guest bed, and vacuum the basement.  Oh and a shower would be excellent!  Before starting that I needed to take Gabe to his friends birthday party.  Aaron could take him but the birthday boys mom had just had a baby and I wanted to congratulate her personally and deliver a gift to her.  After I got home there were only 2 hours until our guests were to arrive.  Eek!

I surveyed the basement.  I noticed that Aaron left the spray paint he bought on the pub table.  He would need to put those away before the guests arrived.  I needed to get the stew started first and then I would tackle the mess downstairs.  I headed up to get things started.  Drew was playing in the basement.  Aaron was cleaning the garage.  I heard him coming in and out and at one time instructing Drew not to mess with the paints. 

I got all of the ingredients out for my stew but found that I was out of red pepper flakes.  I was just about to call Caren to see if she had any when I heard Drew making a hammering noise downstairs.  That can't be good...  I decided to invite him up to help me with dinner.

"No thanks.  I'm playing."

"What are you playing?"

"Nothing..."

Just as I thought that I should find out just what "nothing" is; I heard a Pssssssssssssssssssssssst sound coming from the basement followed by Drew screaming "OH NO!!!  Aaaaaaaaagh!"

I flew downstairs to see a geyser of red spray paint shooting off from my coffee table.  I grabbed the can and ran to the sliding glass door to chuck it out onto the deck.  The door was locked.  So while I fumbled with the door, paint sprayed in my face, getting in my eyes and splattered the glass door.  I finally got it open and tossed the can on to the deck.  As this is happening Aaron, having heard the commotion, comes charging in.  I have to say that I loved, loved, loved his response to seeing the mess that had been made by his son's disobedience of his direct order. 

"Buddy are you OK?!"  he said as he ran to Drew's side.  Then he noticed the can spraying on the deck.  Aaron ran out to toss the can into the yard (Duh.  Much better then repainting the deck) then he rushed back to Drew.

"Settle down buddy.  Did any get in your mouth?  Your eyes?" 

I was trying to blink out the paint that was in my eyes and assess my home.  Before that could be done though Drake came charging through the house.  Aaron had left the door open!  Drake always heads upstairs to hunt for the cats.  Aaron ran after him (You can imagine the shouting and cursing at Drake!) and I ushered Drew into the bathroom and started the tub.

"Take your clothes off Drew," I instructed over his wailing.  Inside I felt like the exploding paint can.  Anger spewed over his disobedience, worry for his safety, empathy for how bad the little guy was already feeling (not to mention that he was scared about the consequence) and stress because in less then two hours I would have a house full of guests.  I looked in the mirror and saw that I would be meeting these guests with a red splattered face.  I went into the living room to what appeared to be a scene from a slasher movie.  Red paint was puddled on the coffee table and splattered across the sliding glass door, dripping down, down to our new carpet.  Not to mention the Zorro sprayed on the front deck. 

Lovely.

Aaron tended to Drew while I tried to clean the sliding glass door.  I was going to need paint thinner.  I also needed red pepper flakes for my stew.  I commenced calling Caren.

"Do you have paint thinner and red pepper flakes we can borrow?"

It was Kevin who answered, "We do!  Come on over, I'll open a bottle of wine."

"I can't.  My diet."

"Aw..." he teased, "...too bad!"

I headed over thinking how much I would really enjoy that glass of wine right now.  When I got to the door I knocked and let myself in.  Our friends Dave and Melissa were there too.  Kevin, Caren, Dave and Melissa all looked at me with horror struck expressions.

"What is that?"  Caren asked.  (She late confessed to me that she thought I had a terrible rash and was thinking don't bring that rash in here!!!)

"It's paint."  I proceeded to relay my story to them.  It was hard to be heard however, over the gales of laughter. 

"Wait a minute,"  Kevin snorted, "let me get a picture of you.  I've got to send this to my mother!"

"Nice, Kev.  Nice." 

"Hey, aren't your friends here?"  Kevin asked.

"They will be here in less than two hours."

"Oh well this is an emergency!"  Kevin ran off to get the paint thinner.

While we waited for Kevin, Caren got her iPhone out for pictures as well. 
"This is the funniest thing ever!  I must say, you are handling this much better than I would be!"

My friends all laughed as I posed with the paint thinner and the GoJo that Kevin brought up for me.  I got the red pepper flakes and took my walk of shame home.  It was later reported to me that the four laughed all night about our little...accident, and took turns telling how they think they would've reacted.

When I got home I handed Aaron the GoJo to start scrubbing Drew's face with.  It has pumice in it so this was none to pleasant for him.  I could hear him in there apologizing profusely the whole time.  Before Aaron got to scrubbing though I got tickled with my friends response and thought a picture had to be taken.  Drew was not so ready to laugh about it but I told him he owed us this picture:

I left Aaron to the Drew-mess and I took the thinner and set to work on the sliding glass door and then the coffee table.  It messed up the coffee table a bit but it's an old beat up one as it is.  The carpet has splatter and drips on it but I left it unattended.  That would have to be tackled another time.
Amazingly, we got it all done.  The bathroom was clean, the bed made, the basement vacuumed and dinner prepared.  I also got my much needed shower though it was not the leisurely one I had hoped for.  Instead I was scrubbing my face with the pumice.  I have to tell you, that stuff made my skin so shiny and smooth!  I may have to add it to the beauty regime...

This is the best we got with Drew:

It took all weekend but the paint is finally gone from his face.  Mostly....
Everything was finished just as my friend text that she was turning onto our street.  WHEW!  We had a wonderful visit with them with a lot of laughs at Drew's and I's expense.  The Texas kids were much impressed with our patches of remaining snow.  The boys had so much fun sledding and building snowmen.  My friends youngest boy kept rolling in it and wrestling with it.  It was hilarious.  We never got the thigh deep snow fall though we did see some flurries.  God answered our prayer for fun in the snow and snow fall but did it His way.  Of course!

I stayed on my diet though I confess to having a piece of popcorn and a glass of wine.  I forgot all about the scale until this a.m.  I was getting another diet friendly breakfast together when it hit me It's TUESDAY! Biggest Loser tonight and Team Purple gets to weigh in!!!  As an unofficial member of Team Purple,  I was so excited that I could finally weigh myself!  I ran into the bathroom and stripped down.  I had a glance over at myself in the bathroom mirror.

I think I look trimmer....Yes!

I just knew I'd see great numbers!  I hopped on and...the dial moved down...one pound.  I couldn't believe it.  I immediately recalled my Aunt Marilyn saying "remember that muscle weighs more than fat."   I tried to give myself a pep talk all morning.  I text Caren who cheered for my loss.

After I got my friends off to the airport and Drew off to school (Gabriel had to stay home sick) I headed to Caren's for Baking Day.  I was going to make an Asian Chicken Salad. 

"You don't seem like your usual self..."  Caren assessed.

"Really?  I guess I'm sad my friends left and I'm really bummed that I only lost one pound."

"Here,"  Caren said as she placed four sticks of butter in my hand, "this is what you lost.  Now put that on your butt."

"I wish I could put it on my butt.  That's where I need it." 

I was so mad about the measly one pound that I went ahead and had a cookie today.  So...take that you stupid diet!  Now I'm back in the saddle but if I don't lose at least two pounds this week then I quit.

O, The Biggest Loser

One of my oldest and dearest childhood friends, Olivia Curlee Ward, is a contestant on The Biggest Loser with her sister, Hannah Curlee.  I grew up with these ladies though I was closer to Olivia than Hannah.  Hannah was the baby sister so mostly I just remember a lot of "Hannah!  Get out!" and the door closed behind her.  I'm so proud of them both and inspired by the whole cast of the show. 

Seeing truly fat people has been good for me.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and can like what I see.  I used to work out a lot so even though I've not gained too much, I see that all the tone has left and turned to fat.  Than I think I'm fat.  (In fact I felt bad for calling the contestants of TBL fat, yet I have no qualms about labeling myself as such.)  In the last 3 years I've gained about 5 lbs a year.  I have to put the breaks on that.  I also have to put the breaks on my language because I am not fat.  I am out of shape to be sure, but I am not fat.  I'm trying not to cry even as I write this because I'm still not sold on it.  When I see the contestants on The Biggest Loser though, I KNOW I'm not fat.  I do not have that commonality with them physically but inside I think we are very similar people. 

On this weeks episode one contestant, Arthur, was presented with the challenge of not eating donuts (even one that had fallen to the ground.)  He said the donuts were calling to him, Eat me!  I know that voice and yes, I have considered eating something that has fallen on the ground or even a piece of cake wrapped in a napkin that someone carelessly threw away.  I will hide that I am eating something "naughty."  Like an addict.  Then there is the constant weighing in.  I'm so afraid that I will get as fat as the fat person inside me.  I have a weight that I will not cross so I check everyday to see how close I am to it.  Just before the move I crossed it by 5 lbs., further reinforcing my belief that I am fat.  Thankfully, the lifestyle here has helped me to get rid of that 5 lbs but I am at "that weight" and so I am in constant concern for the crossover. 

I weigh myself first thing in the morning before I eat breakfast and then sometimes later on in the day before I take a shower.  Sometimes there is a third weigh in if I've just worked out.  Someone asked me the other day if ones weight really changes that much through out the day.  It does.  My weight can fluctuate from 1-4 lbs through out a day. 

This Tuesday the whole family was watching TBL and we had to pause it half way through and put our kids to bed.  We decided its a little too grown up for them to watch.  A Dr. on the show showed the contestants their inner age.  This really started to disturb Gabriel who was then concerned with when we will die.  Drew concerned me the most though.  While Gabe is a skinny lad (born that way, taking after his father) Drew was born a roly poly boy and he still is.  I have always watched his diet more than Gabriel's in part because he is so obsessed with food.  He also really wants to be a chef though and so I don't want to completely squash that love of food.  I don't like when after finishing one meal he starts to ask about the next meal.  Not that I have never done that myself.  I will go to bed full of anticipation for the awesome breakfast that I have planned in the a.m.  But Drew upset me when while watching the show he announced that he should be on the show.

"What?  No you shouldn't buddy.  Why do you say that?"  I asked.

"Because I'm fat."

"No you're not.  Where have you ever heard that?  Why do you say you are fat?"

"Well, we were going to play Alvin and the Chipmunks at school ant the other kids said I should be Theodore because I'm fat."

"Oh buddy, I'm so sorry.  You are not fat though, OK?"

"Yes I am.  Look at my hands and look at Gabe's.  My hands are much bigger than Gabe's."

"That's just how God made you," Aaron piped in.  "You know when your Uncle Matt and I were kids he was always bigger than me even though he is my little brother.  You and Brother are like Uncle Matt and I."

On that note we shut the show off from them and got them ready for bed.  When the kids were in the bathroom brushing their teeth, Drew got on the scale.  The sight scared me some.  I do not want him to start weighing himself.  He can not start that obsession!

"See, I weigh more than brother."

"Drew, get off that scale.  You do not need to weigh yourself.  We told you, Bug, you are just right.  God made you perfect.  He made you different from Brother but you are just right.  There is not a fat body in this house."  I winced inside.

"Well, I don't want anymore candy or ice cream or any sweets and I need to join some kid exercise classes."

"You can enjoy sweets, Bug, but you are more than welcome to cut them back.  That's a healthy thing to do.  And you can exercise when you play or by playing a sport, like when you played soccer."

"I want to play Little League Football in the fall."

"OK, buddy, that sounds like a plan."

So we tucked everyone one into bed and we prayed for healthy mindsets as well as healthy bodies and lifestyles.  I was washed with guilt realizing my verbage and habits were being picked up on by my son.  I have always thought that mothers of daughters should be so careful of that but now I was seeing the effects of this in my own son. 

"Mom, what do you think of yourself?"  Gabriel asked the next morning, "Do you think you look good or do you think you look fat?  Because I don't think you are fat."

"I think that I am out of shape.  I used to be stronger and healthier and I am dieting and exercising to try to get back to that,"  I said to him as well as myself.

"Good.  Because you are beautiful!"

I am on a mission to lose weight.  I have a wedding in March that I want to look good for.  I do not want to be the fat bridesmaid (I already get to be the short one.)  So, I have been upping the exercise and doing South Beach, which is a diet I have had success with in the past.  The first two weeks are very strict with the goal of breaking the bodies addiction to carbs and sugar.  For two weeks there are no grains, fruit, sugar or alcohol.  After that, fruit and some grains are allowed back into the diet.  (Oh and that glass of wine I love can return.) 

Monday went well enough.  Tuesday was Baking Day.  SO FREAKIN' hard to not eat the big beautiful buttermilk bread, banana muffins, and peanut butter balls.  Even the healthy salad one made had rice in it.  Waaagh!  But my friends would not let me falter. We even picked out South Beach friendly recipes for next weeks Baking Day.  That night we watched TBL and I was all upset about Drew-bugs response to it that I vowed to only weigh myself on Tuesday.  Once a week, just like the contestants.  They work hard not knowing if they are making any progress or not. 

Wednesday I went snow shoeing.  WHEW!  Very hard work out.  The hardest part was trying to breathe really.  It's been six months but I am still not acclimated.  Very frustrating....  My chest was hurting from lack of oxygen and the cold air.  Strangely, the pain radiated to my shoulders and neck.  I thought of Hannah and Olivia and how hard they were working and would not let that hill get the best of me.  Going down hill was much easier, of course, but still a good work out.  (PS I have amazingly patient friends who took a slower pace to wait for me.  They also said I did an awesome job!  So kind!)  When I got home I hit the shower.  That is my usual time to weigh myself.  I had two reasons to want to weigh.  One: I had just had a strenuous work out and two: I was about to get in the shower.  I pulled the scale out with my foot, from under my sink...then I tucked it back under there.  Olivia finds out in a week.  I will wait too. 

That evening is our weekly Pizza Night that we have with our friends.  I wanted pizza so bad!  There was also chips and salsa, cookies and wine.  The thing I wanted most were those COOKIES!!!!  These friends gave me permission to cheat. 

"Have a glass of wine or at least one cookie." 

They argued that deprivation makes the body think its starving and so will harbor the fat.  The thing is I did have a big salad so I did not think that my body thought it was starving.  I knew if Caren were there she would not let me cheat and I knew that Olivia was not cheating.  So I fought the urge.

Today I gave Drake a short walk and then went with Caren to a work out with her trainer.

"It's just like Biggest Loser!  You'll love it!"

It was definitely not the regular program.  We started with a circuit of 3 minutes on a treadmill, pushing a weighted sleigh across the floor and then sprinting down and up (pushing sleigh and sprinting 4X), 2 sets of 8 pull ups and chin ups, 200....whatevers...on this ski thing, and then up and down the stairs 10 times.  We did the circuit twice, lessening the amounts some on the second time around.  The next circuit had us jumping rope 50 times (which apparently I can not jump rope...), bouncing a medicine ball off a wall 25 times, 50 trunk twists with a medicine ball, lunges and squat presses with a tube full of water, 20, 20 and 20 of different exercises with this big weighted rope, and then we flipped a tractor tire down the length of the gym and back, only to slam it with a sledge hammer 12 times with each arm.  We also did that circuit twice.  But that's not all!  We then went into a room that had a long bar across the roof.  Hanging from that were stirrups.  We put our feet in the stirrups and did a variety of torturous exercises. 

I was dying from the first circuit.  I was totally ready to go home after that.  I kept thinking of O and Hannah and wondering how in the world were they doing it.  Ladies, my hat is off to you because you are much tougher than me!  Once home I again glared at my scale.

Not today.  When I get on Tuesday though you BETTER have good news for me.

I've decided to take all of this one day at a time.  I'm working on a lot here.  I'm trying to change my thinking, my habits, and my body.  I really can't wait for week three of my diet, when I can have some fruit and that glass of wine....Oo!  I think I can have dark chocolate too!  As I walked down to the bus stop I noticed how the snow was dingy.  Kind of looks like the cinnamon powder that they put on donuts....